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I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Hour
Early
Accordance
Humor
Airport
Stand
Airline
Food
Airports
Hours
Procedures
Funny
Arrived
Around
Humorous

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The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
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Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.
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Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.
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Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.
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Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.
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The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.
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If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
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I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or she did that was remotely funny than I am to be mused by somebody declaring this isn't funny, that isn't funny, this sucks. If you want to write humor, you're going to have to get used to that.
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Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time today, people do this all the time.
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You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.
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I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
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RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.
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The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'
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How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.
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Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.'
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What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.
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You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.
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The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
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