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A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Better
Humor
Hares
Take
Problems
Airline
Years
Food
Equipment
Year
Whereas
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Part
California
Problem
York
Today
Hundred
Hare

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By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing Sixties music. They called it Classic Rock, because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely middle-aged-person nostalgia music.
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go around talking about it.
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
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I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
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During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.
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This is true virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.
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The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
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In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
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The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called LinkedIn.
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This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.
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San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
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It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness.
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The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
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For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it was Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry.
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The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.
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