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Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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Days
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say excuse me. Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating for is Orson Welles.
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Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
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In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.
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Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?
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When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.
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Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.
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[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.
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When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.
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Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.
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The reason it's called Grape Nuts is that it contains dextrose, which is also sometimes called grape sugar, and also because Grape Nuts is catchier, in terms of marketing, than A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel, which is what it tastes like.
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
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Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.
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Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.
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I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
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If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
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In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
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