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Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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Days
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England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
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By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing Sixties music. They called it Classic Rock, because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely middle-aged-person nostalgia music.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
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I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.
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Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.
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Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
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I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.
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Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.
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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
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The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
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In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.
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One of the major hobbies in South Florida is keeping animals that no sane person would want to keep. One of those is snakes. They usually get them when they're small, and when they get too big, they let them go. But there are also people with monkeys, lions, tigers. And they all get away, eventually.
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The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.
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Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
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The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.
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Your friends love you anyway.
Dave Barry