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Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Individual
Purchase
Comes
Experts
Two
Market
Best
Agree
Needs
Computer
Type
Days
Actually

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His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.
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I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
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I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
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Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.
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Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
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Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
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Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.
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When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!
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The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
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Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
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Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
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Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
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