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...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big let down.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.
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I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who the group is. It's laughable to say that The Miami Herald's editorials or any newspaper's editorials represent any views other than those of the people writing them, so why don't we tell everybody who they are?
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Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'
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...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.
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At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: •The universe is even bigger than they thought! •There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! •Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
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The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
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By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.
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Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00
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The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
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All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
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Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby. So I got a hobby. I make beer.
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
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His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.
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The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.
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Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?
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I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
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Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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I can't recall a story that played out exactly as I'd expected it to. That's one of the thrills of journalism - being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer's character.
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