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A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Person
Actual
Children
Excellent
Theory
Parent
Child
Perfect
Inspirational
Rearing
Persons
Theories
More quotes by Dave Barry
2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.
Dave Barry
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Dave Barry
Too many rocks in the mountains.
Dave Barry
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to get involved in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
Dave Barry
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
Dave Barry
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Dave Barry
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat what if? questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.
Dave Barry
It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness.
Dave Barry
I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
Dave Barry
The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.
Dave Barry
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Dave Barry
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.
Dave Barry
Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.
Dave Barry
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Dave Barry
When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.
Dave Barry
Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.
Dave Barry
It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.
Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Dave Barry
The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.
Dave Barry
