Quote

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

Dave Barry

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Drinking
Advice
Fountains
Gum
Spit
Fountain

More quotes by Dave Barry

Image
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
Dave Barry
Image
The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.
Dave Barry
Image
I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.
Dave Barry
Image
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.
Dave Barry
Image
The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.
Dave Barry
Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.
Dave Barry
Image
Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'
Dave Barry
Image
The other major kind of computer is the Apple, which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.
Dave Barry
Image
Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.
Dave Barry
Image
Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
Dave Barry
Image
Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
Dave Barry
Image
Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.
Dave Barry
Image
Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.
Dave Barry
Image
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Image
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
Image
I actually kind of like Janet Reno. She seems like a nice enough lady. But when you're basically going through the entire phone book trying to find women lawyers who don't have maids to pick the attorney general of the United States, how well can you do?
Dave Barry
Image
On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,'' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.
Dave Barry
Image
Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
Dave Barry
Image
I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.
Dave Barry
Image
RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.
Dave Barry