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By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Obesity
Oil
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Beauty
Tanker
Funny
Monroe
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Marilyn

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Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
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My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it.
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I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
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The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
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There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
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I never stop running. I'm not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I'm still in the race. I'm an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money.
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At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say excuse me. Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.
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In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
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You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.
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No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called LinkedIn.
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Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
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If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
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There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?
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I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.
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Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.
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Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'.
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