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By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Today
Marilyn
Obesity
Oil
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Beauty
Tanker
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Monroe

More quotes by Dave Barry

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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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It's a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can't go on your property?
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Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality. “You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?” “Yes,” said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.” “Do you,” said Leonard, “I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?” “No,” said Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips.” “Oh,” said Leonard, looking very alarmed.
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
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One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals. I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
Dave Barry
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I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.
Dave Barry
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry
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I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
Dave Barry
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The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.
Dave Barry
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The great thing about golf - and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it - you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.
Dave Barry
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
Dave Barry
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry
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Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.
Dave Barry
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All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.
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Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'
Dave Barry
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Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal
Dave Barry
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A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.
Dave Barry
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry