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European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Remain
Matches
Materials
Toilet
Americans
Toilets
Standing
European
Paper
Soccer
Use
Throughout
Made
Tend
Roofing
Material
Europeans
More quotes by Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Dave Barry
Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
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Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores.
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The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.
Dave Barry
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
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I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or she did that was remotely funny than I am to be mused by somebody declaring this isn't funny, that isn't funny, this sucks. If you want to write humor, you're going to have to get used to that.
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I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
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If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
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Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.
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If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
Dave Barry
If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.
Dave Barry
Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.
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The other major kind of computer is the Apple, which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.
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All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.
Dave Barry
