Quote

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.

Dave Barry

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Person
Loving
Stayed
Head
Knees
Animal
Stick
Funny
Gentle
Rubbing
Night
Table
Banging
Remember
Sticks
Infection
Home
Tables
Knee
Persons
Basically
Insects

More quotes by Dave Barry

Image
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
Dave Barry
Image
All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.
Dave Barry
Image
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry
Image
Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.
Dave Barry
Image
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
Dave Barry
Image
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
Image
Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
Dave Barry
Image
One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals. I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
Dave Barry
Image
The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.
Dave Barry
Image
It's a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can't go on your property?
Dave Barry
Image
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry
Image
For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it was Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry.
Dave Barry
Image
It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta
Dave Barry
Image
During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.
Dave Barry
Image
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.
Dave Barry
Image
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies
Dave Barry
Image
If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.
Dave Barry
Image
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.
Dave Barry
Image
Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.
Dave Barry
Image
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry