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I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
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The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
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In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.
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If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any spare change.
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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
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When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.
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I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.
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His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.
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I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.
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If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.
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I read Warren Zevon's bizarre biography, I'll Sleep When I'm Dead. His wife, Crystal Zevon, posthumously published a journal he wrote and some interviews with ex-band members. Like [Keith] Richards's book Life, it's brutally honest.
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As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.
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Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
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...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big let down.
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I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
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Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
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Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.
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The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.
Dave Barry