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I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
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I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
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If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
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[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
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Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.
Dave Barry
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If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.
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One of the major hobbies in South Florida is keeping animals that no sane person would want to keep. One of those is snakes. They usually get them when they're small, and when they get too big, they let them go. But there are also people with monkeys, lions, tigers. And they all get away, eventually.
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Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.
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I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
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I've been checking with people back in South Florida to see if Hurricane Dennis is going to whack my house, and the consensus of the experts seems to be: No, it will not, unless it does, in which case, yes. So I'm feeling really calm over here in London.
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If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
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I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
Dave Barry