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Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Without
Good
Would
World
Grammar
United
War
Lost
States

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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
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Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.
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The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
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Someone was tapping on the window.
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The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
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One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals. I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
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Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
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In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.
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If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.
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Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
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Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as Here, boy!
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The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.
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I'm one of those people who tells my wife, No coaching from the sidelines.
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Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies
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Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'
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Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
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