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Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Grows
Involve
Known
Weed
Doe
Balls
Way
Nuclear
Weapons
Kill
Rooms
Airless
Grow
Bowling

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Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.
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I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.
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The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.
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As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
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With a novel, you have to have a story. It's much more important to have it matter to the reader what happens to people, and it has to make sense and end in a way that is satisfying. So I spend a lot more time thinking about that. Then the writing itself usually is easier for me, because I know where it's going.
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It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to get involved in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
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I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
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The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
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What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.
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Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
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Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies
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San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
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The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.
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Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.
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The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.
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Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
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