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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Thinking
Moment
Suggests
Woman
Emerging
Moments
Pregnancy
Women
Pregnant
Anything
Actual
Even
Baby
Never
Unless
Think
Boys
Remotely
More quotes by Dave Barry
My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.
Dave Barry
Smee! Raise the Ladies!
Dave Barry
I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.
Dave Barry
Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.
Dave Barry
One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the mounting deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.
Dave Barry
Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
Dave Barry
It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.
Dave Barry
Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.
Dave Barry
The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.
Dave Barry
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
Dave Barry
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Dave Barry
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
Dave Barry
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Dave Barry
A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
Dave Barry
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
Dave Barry
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.
Dave Barry
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
Dave Barry
The other major kind of computer is the Apple, which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.
Dave Barry
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry
