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I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Humorist
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Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.
Dave Barry
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They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.
Dave Barry
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Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish.
Dave Barry
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In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.
Dave Barry
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Dave Barry
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I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
Dave Barry
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Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Dave Barry
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The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.
Dave Barry
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Dave Barry
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The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.
Dave Barry
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
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Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.
Dave Barry
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Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.
Dave Barry
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I read the whole Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. They don't take long.
Dave Barry
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I guess libertarianism is always considered so weird and fringe that people assume that you're in the closet if you don't go around talking about it.
Dave Barry
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry
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One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the mounting deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.
Dave Barry
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See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.
Dave Barry
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry
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I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.
Dave Barry