Quote

Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Completely
Lower
Scotch
Half
Gifts
Egyptian
Body
Covered
Wrap
Never
Christmas
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Mummies
Would
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Pharaoh
Ancient
Defects
Pharaohs
Skills
Tape
Mummy
Fields
Skill
Defect

More quotes by Dave Barry

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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.
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Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.
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At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: •The universe is even bigger than they thought! •There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! •Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
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Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.
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I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.
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England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
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If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.
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Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
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Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
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Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.
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In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.
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Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
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I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
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