Quote

Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Ancient
Defects
Pharaohs
Skills
Tape
Mummy
Fields
Skill
Defect
Completely
Lower
Scotch
Half
Gifts
Egyptian
Body
Covered
Wrap
Never
Christmas
Wraps
Mummies
Would
Field
Motor
Pharaoh

More quotes by Dave Barry

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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
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The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
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UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.
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The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
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AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.
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One of the major hobbies in South Florida is keeping animals that no sane person would want to keep. One of those is snakes. They usually get them when they're small, and when they get too big, they let them go. But there are also people with monkeys, lions, tigers. And they all get away, eventually.
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Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.
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In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
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It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.
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A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
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Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.
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The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.
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At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: •The universe is even bigger than they thought! •There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! •Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
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I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.
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I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security
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I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat.
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The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
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