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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.
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Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
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Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.
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Someone was tapping on the window.
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A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
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English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.
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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
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...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.
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Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
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I want to gag sometimes when I see who we are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.
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What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.
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Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
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I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.
Dave Barry
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Never lick a steak knife.
Dave Barry
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You should not confuse your career with your life.
Dave Barry
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Your friends love you anyway.
Dave Barry
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I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
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