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Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Killed
Seriously
Help
Helping

More quotes by Dave Barry

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My son wouldn't go get heroin. If he did or didn't, it wouldn't have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.
Dave Barry
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I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
Dave Barry
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barry
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Cyrus Pembridge, the Never Land’s captain, was widely regarded as the most incompetent man to comman a ship since the formation of water. “Who in the name of common sense would put to sea on that ship with that man in charge?” wondered Mack. “Well,” Alf answered, “we are.” “True,” Mack said.
Dave Barry
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Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Dave Barry
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Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
Dave Barry
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry
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Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.
Dave Barry
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The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives.
Dave Barry
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The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Dave Barry
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Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.
Dave Barry
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Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.
Dave Barry
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If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.
Dave Barry
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I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
Dave Barry
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European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
Dave Barry
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The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
Dave Barry
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In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.
Dave Barry
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DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
Dave Barry
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I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat, that's not the problem anymore. Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security are the problem. That's us. That's our generation. There the press never says a word.
Dave Barry
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry