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Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?” “We’re going to look for water,” said Alf. “And food?” said Tubby Ted. “Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.” “We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Going
Food
Days
Water
Look
Firsts
Tubby
Without
Shouted
Looks
James
First
Asked

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I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.
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I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.
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It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.
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Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
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In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
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Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00
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Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.
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If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
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When I say dogs, I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all they are members of the pillow family.
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.
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Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
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I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.
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Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.
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For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
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It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
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