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Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Captains
Understands
Nobody
Hard
Captain

More quotes by Dave Barry

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As the saying goes: If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist.
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I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.
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Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
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It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta
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If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness.
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Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
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Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'
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More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
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Millions of Americans own dogs, because they are good-natured, simple, and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The dogs are not exactly Mensa members either, but they definitely make better pets than tropical fish.
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Too many rocks in the mountains.
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If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
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I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
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European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
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And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.
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Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry
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Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
Dave Barry