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If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Humans
Backing
Like
Advancing
People
Alright
Close
Talk
Away
Keep
Glacier
Human
Glaciers

More quotes by Dave Barry

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As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales.
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All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it.
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Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.
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San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
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I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.
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Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
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The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
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The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.
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A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.
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Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby. So I got a hobby. I make beer.
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Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
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Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
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The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.
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I read the whole Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. They don't take long.
Dave Barry
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Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Dave Barry
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry