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In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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Scholastics
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
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Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.
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I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.
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You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.
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I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
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I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
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They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera.
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One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals. I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
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Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.
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Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.
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