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I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Differences
Sports
Political
Accuse
Together
Enable
Come
Cheating
Love
Olympics
World
Regardless
People
Cultural

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Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.
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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
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I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.
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Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
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Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
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Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?” “We’re going to look for water,” said Alf. “And food?” said Tubby Ted. “Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.” “We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted.
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What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be colonial.
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By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.
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Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
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To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.
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The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
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Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat what if? questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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