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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Humans
Majors
Would
Major
Time
Sacrifice
Anybody
Sacrifices
Doubt
Conduct
Party
Parties
Live
Prime
Human
Notice

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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,'' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.
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The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.
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Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality. “You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?” “Yes,” said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.” “Do you,” said Leonard, “I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?” “No,” said Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips.” “Oh,” said Leonard, looking very alarmed.
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Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
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...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.
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How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.
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It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to get involved in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
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Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
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I can't recall a story that played out exactly as I'd expected it to. That's one of the thrills of journalism - being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer's character.
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