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To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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Better
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Pathetic
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Personal
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
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We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.
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I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
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In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.
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Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.
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We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.
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I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
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Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'
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Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.
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Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
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And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry
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As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.
Dave Barry
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.
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Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies
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What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo
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If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry