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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Person
Teenager
Defined
Advice
Listen
Modern
Inspirational
Velcro
Remember
Remembers
Persons
Teens

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I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.
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Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
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The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
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As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.
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His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
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There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.
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If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.
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Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.
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Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.'
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
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If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
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Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
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Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
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