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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Inspirational
Wealthy
Overweight
Today
Although
Protestants
Golf
Owns
Anybody
Dave
Fashion
Hideous
Sports
Originally
Open
Clothings
Funny
Clothing
Restricted

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There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, This is stupid.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.
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England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.
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Someone was tapping on the window.
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Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
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Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
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Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.
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The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'
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As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.
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My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.
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I read Remembrance of Things Past in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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You have to be careful on the deck, because of the hatches, which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.
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I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
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Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.
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The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
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