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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Football
Sports
Place
Skiing
Problem
Skating
Take
Closely
Generally
Winter
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Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
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When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.
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If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.
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Reading... a vacation for the mind.
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The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
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There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
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Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
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One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
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I never stop running. I'm not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I'm still in the race. I'm an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money.
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You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?
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Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
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I was a middle-of-the-road Democrat more than anything else. I know I voted for Carter. Watergate taught me how bad the Republicans were.
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