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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Make
Scientists
Males
Scientist
Dave
Function
Hilarious
Stupid
Biological
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Breasts
Women
Primaries
Believe
Primary
More quotes by Dave Barry
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
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Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
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The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
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The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
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And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.
Dave Barry
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
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A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.
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And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!
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We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.
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What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.
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Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
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Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores.
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Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
Dave Barry
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any spare change.
Dave Barry
I want to gag sometimes when I see who we are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.
Dave Barry
Someone was tapping on the window.
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Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.
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