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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Sleep
Dave
Funny
Hilarious
Night
Pills
Take
Humour
Never
Sleeping
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Pill

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When the boomers started to have kids reach adolescence, there was suddenly this feeling that they needed to protect their kids from all the same things they did when they were kids. Which I guess is a natural tendency, but it makes for a less fun society.
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Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.
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For a while I got into the South Pacific theater of World War II. I read American Caesar by William Manchester, the biography of General MacArthur. Because of that I ended up reading Tales of the South Pacific by James Michener and then because of that reading his Hawaii. That is what happens.
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If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
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We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.
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I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
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A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
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You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.
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Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.
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The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.
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I read Warren Zevon's bizarre biography, I'll Sleep When I'm Dead. His wife, Crystal Zevon, posthumously published a journal he wrote and some interviews with ex-band members. Like [Keith] Richards's book Life, it's brutally honest.
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Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
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Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.
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In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.
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