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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Jokes
Tell
Joke
Comic

More quotes by Dave Attell

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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
Dave Attell
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
Dave Attell
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Dave Attell
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
Dave Attell
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Dave Attell