Quote

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Dave Attell

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Joke
Comic
Jokes
Tell

More quotes by Dave Attell

Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
Image
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
Dave Attell
Image
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
Image
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
Dave Attell
Image
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
Dave Attell
Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
Image
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
Dave Attell
Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
Image
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
Image
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
Image
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Dave Attell
Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell