Quote

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Phones
Drunk
Point
Look
Book
Looks
Hitler
Trying
Phone
Germany

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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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