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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Wanted
Stalking
Skiing
Wanna
Yeah
Went
Girl
Didn
Today

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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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