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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Wanted
Stalking
Skiing
Wanna
Yeah
Went
Girl
Didn
Today

More quotes by Dave Attell

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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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I have no grand scheme.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell