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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Never
Birthday
Think
Tests
Thinking
Surprise
Daughter
Drug
Type
Party
Every
Beatings
More quotes by Dave Attell
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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