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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Drug
Type
Party
Every
Beatings
Never
Birthday
Think
Tests
Thinking
Surprise
Daughter
More quotes by Dave Attell
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell