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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Every
Beatings
Never
Birthday
Think
Tests
Thinking
Surprise
Daughter
Drug
Type
Party
More quotes by Dave Attell
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
I have no grand scheme.
Dave Attell
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I don't watch reality TV.
Dave Attell
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
Dave Attell
