Quote

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Thing
Shows
Littles
Oily
Little
Matches
Book
Rags
Need
Brother
Children
Fun
Great
Show
Needs
Tell

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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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I have no grand scheme.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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