Quote

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

Dave Attell

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TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Little
Matches
Book
Rags
Need
Brother
Children
Fun
Great
Show
Needs
Tell
Thing
Shows
Littles
Oily

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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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