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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Court
Orders
Order
Quit
Gotta
Quitting
Smoking
Doctor
Doctors
Drinking

More quotes by Dave Attell

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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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