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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Smoking
Doctor
Doctors
Drinking
Court
Orders
Order
Quit
Gotta
Quitting

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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I have no grand scheme.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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