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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Order
Quit
Gotta
Quitting
Smoking
Doctor
Doctors
Drinking
Court
Orders

More quotes by Dave Attell

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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
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I have no grand scheme.
Dave Attell
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Dave Attell