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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Smoking
Doctor
Doctors
Drinking
Court
Orders
Order
Quit
Gotta
Quitting

More quotes by Dave Attell

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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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