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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Drinking
Court
Orders
Order
Quit
Gotta
Quitting
Smoking
Doctor
Doctors

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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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