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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Court
Orders
Order
Quit
Gotta
Quitting
Smoking
Doctor
Doctors
Drinking

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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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