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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Much
Packs
Bathroom
Ass
Smoking
Smoke
Went
Came
Camel
Three
Camels

More quotes by Dave Attell

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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell