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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Three
Camels
Much
Packs
Bathroom
Ass
Smoking
Smoke
Went
Came
Camel
More quotes by Dave Attell
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
Dave Attell
