Quote

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Apartment
Pretend
Girlfriend
Stand
Sometimes
Like
Screaming

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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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