Quote

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Stand
Sometimes
Like
Screaming
Apartment
Pretend
Girlfriend

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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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