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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Trying
Horrible
Shower
Like
Cry
Presidents
Economy
Curtains
Water
Showers
President
Hits
Part
Crying
Looks
Bought
Masturbate
Hard
Staring
Curtain

More quotes by Dave Attell

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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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